Shattered
by AmyH
Summary: Sara's had enough. CSI is not mine First fic..reviews?
1. Default Chapter

Withdrawing every day.  Does anyone even notice?  Doubt it.  Probably think I'm PMSing again.  Don't even notice that it's been over two months that I've joined in a conversation without being coerced.  It's not like I was social to begin with, but you'd think someone would have asked if I was OK.  They haven't.  Doesn't matter anyway.  I wouldn't tell them.  But I would tell him if he asked.  But he won't, doesn't.  Too wrapped up in his world, I suppose.  Thought I had a place there, but I guess I was wrong.  You'd think being a CSI I would have known this.  Would have seen that what I did or didn't do, aside from my job, didn't matter a bit to him  Not one bit.  Stupid!

How'd it get to this?  Time.  Time did it.  Day after day, night after night, wondering if he'd ever get a clue.  He doesn't even see me.  Doesn't see ME.  Me, Sara, the human being.  He sees the CSI, the employee. Doesn't see ME.    I could disappear and who would even notice?  Well, I guess the workload would be a little more for the rest, but other than that?  No one would give a rat's ass.  Oh, they'd make like they cared, but honestly, would they?  Doubt it.  I never fit in anyway.  It's OK though.  It's better this way.  

_I'm always over-speaking you_. 

I have always over-spoke him.  It's kind of funny if you think about it.  But it makes me cry.  I can't even believe I said anything to him about it.  It was totally unplanned.  I just wanted the promotion to be given without bias.  That's funny, don't you think?  That he'd be biased toward me?  He has no reason to be.  Not that I didn't try to give him reason, mind you.  He just didn't see it.  Doesn't want to see it.  Doesn't care even he did see it.  Who knows?  

Well, no matter.  I'm done.  I'm tired and can't sleep.  But I will be able to rest soon.  

Nick will do great things for them.  He's a good guy.  Compassionate, outgoing.  He'll be what they want and more.  More than I could ever be.  Good for him.  He deserves it, but I thought I did too.  There can only be one winner and the winner take it all.

Good game, Nicky!  Congratulations.  It was fun while it lasted. But not really.

I put in for vacation time.  Got a lot stored up because I never took any.  Four weeks.  Wonder if they will miss me?   Doubt it.  They will probably think '_Good for her.  It's about time she took some time off.'_

Grissom signed the request, no questions asked.  He seemed happy for me.  Didn't ask where I was going though.  Guess he figured I'd be around in case of emergency, or that I would tell Catherine or Nick where I was going.  Told Catherine I was going to Tahoe.  Rented a cabin for a month.  Complete solitude and restfulness awaited me there.  She was happy for me too.

Almost there.  Just got the keys from the rental office.  The sun will be setting soon.  I want one more sunset before I leave.  To watch the sun breathe one more breath of life into the sky, coloring it a brilliant purple and then watch it slowly fade to black.  It's a perfect evening for a perfect sunset.    

My gun and badge lay on the table in the dining area.  

I grab a glass from the cabinet, fill it with ice and take that and the bottle out the sliding glass door and sit on the deck.  The sun will set soon.  Just about 15 more minutes.  I fill the glass with Crown Royal.  My favorite.  I sip and watch the sun start to slip down under the horizon.  Orange and red hues fill the sky.  I fish the small bottle from my jeans pocket, open it and shake out two tablets.  They wash down easily, chased by the Crown.  Memories start to dash into the forefront of my brain.  __

_Since when have you been interested in beauty?_

_Since I met you._

Ah, Grissom.  You should see this sunset.  It's beyond beautiful.  

I shake out two more tablets.  The sky is pink now.  They wash down just as easily as the first two.  

My glass is empty.  Have to refill it before the next color takes the stage.  

Just in time for the purple twilight.

Two more pills, another sip.  

The black of night is chasing the purple toward the ocean.  

Two more pills, another sip.

The stars have come out to play.  

Two more pills, another sip.

Time for a refill.

_Would you like to have dinner – with me?_

_No._

That would hurt again, if I could feel anything.  

Four more pills, another sip.

Show time is almost over.  I'm getting sleepy.  I don't want to leave here.  Have to move inside.  Clouds are rolling in anyway.

Two more pills, another sip.

I pull back the covers on the bed and slide between the sheets.

Two more pills, another sip.

Almost there.

Dizzy.

Sleepy.

One last effort to sit up.

Must finish this now.

3 more pills, another sip.

3 more pills, another sip.

The glass slides out of my hand and hits the floor, shattering.

I slide back down into the comforts of the blankets.

Shattered.


	2. Chapter 2

This is her last shift before she starts her vacation.  I signed the request over a month ago, but I didn't really think she'd go.  I should at least wish her a good time.  I'll have to do that before she leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When did it get to be so late?  Shift ended over two hours ago.  I bet she's already gone.  I wander down the hall to the break room.  

Empty.  

I check the locker room.  

Empty.  

I didn't get to say goodbye.  

She left without saying goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She'll be back tomorrow.  I've missed her.  I've thought of her everyday since she's been gone.  The lab isn't the same without her here.  

I'm not the same without her here.

I didn't notice it during my time away.  Too busy concentrating on getting well.  The first time I heard her voice when I returned was like music to my ears.  I had forgotten how sweet she sounded.  

_Sara, I don't know what to do about – this._

_Well, I do. You know, by the time you figure it out, it could be too late._

I need to talk to her.  Tell her I've thought things over and I know what to do about this now.  

I wanted to talk to her before now.  She was so distant when I came back.  Didn't speak to me unless it was related to a case.  I couldn't find the right time.  She should be in a better mood when she gets back.  Rested and more relaxed.  More approachable.  I'll ask her to breakfast after shift is over and tell her she was never over-speaking me.  I knew, but was afraid to tell her.  

But I'm more afraid of not telling her now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My pager awakens me.  It's 3:30 in the afternoon.  I've only been asleep for 2 hours.  

It's Brass.  He wants me to call.  Urgent.  

Why is he calling?  He should be sleeping too.  Where is the day shift?  

I fumble with the cell phone and place the call.  

The words don't register right away.  What is he talking about?  

Who is he talking about?

_Tahoe police called in a decomp._

_Shouldn't they be the ones to take care of it?_

_No, Gil._

_Then call Eckley.  He's the day shift supervisor._

_Gil, listen to me._

There is something wrong.  He's tone inflection is wrong.

_It's Sara.  _

_What?_

_It's Sara, Gil.  The housekeeping staff found her this afternoon.  Her badge and gun were on the table.  _

_No._

I feel like I've been sucker punched.  I can't breathe.

_It can't be.  She's due back to work tomorrow.  She was just on vacation._

_They found her this afternoon.  Check out time was noon.  Housekeeping came in shortly after that to clean the cabin.  They found her body in the bedroom.  _

_NO!  _

_Preliminary reports indicate she's been dead for approximately a month.  Overdosed.  They need someone to make positive ID and claim the body._

The phone drops from my hand.  I can't think.  

My stomach clinches and I make it to the bathroom in time before I begin to heave.

Oh, dear God.  There has got to be a mistake.  

She was on vacation.  

She's due back to work tomorrow.

I lean back against the cool tile of the bathroom walls.  

My head hurts.  My chest hurts.

I hear something.  It's the most wretched noise.

It's coming from me.  

The tears start to flow.  

My head hurts.  My chest hurts.

I can't breathe.  

I draw my knees to my chest in order to stop the bone wracking sobs from shaking me apart

My head hurts.  My chest hurts.

_Since when have you been interested in beauty?_

_Since I met you._

Sara, you are beautiful.  I didn't say it.  I should have said it.

My head hurts.  My chest hurts.

I can't breathe.  I'm lost.  

_You know, by the time you figure it out, it could be too late._

There should have been more time.

My head hurts.  My chest hurts.

It's too late.

I'm sorry.  

My head hurts.

My chest hurts.

My heart is 

Shattered.


End file.
